We’ve been thinking a lot about how diners conduct themselves in restaurants. Years and years ago, your old pal The Fork worked for a restaurant in Santa Fe (we won’t name it) that had a couple highly sought-after tables because they had a cool view. These tables were so prized, in fact, that waiting diners would sometimes stand over the people who were already seated there asking how long they’d take or querying about the hold-up—and they’d harangue the workers about wanting one of those tables to the point that any one of us would have died before caving to the increasingly frantic demands of the type of person who believes paying for a sandwich makes them the freaking queen of Sheba. Setting aside how bothering workers is actually the best way to never-ever-ever get the table you want, this memory highlights the very funny ways people tend to act in restaurants, particularly when they’ve never worked in them.
Because we stress-remembered this period of our life, we were also reminded of a feature the SFR hotheads used to do in the formerly annual Restaurant Guide (it’s more of a directory now) dubbed Guilt Tip. In short, the piece was an anonymous recounting of silly diner behavior from the people who toiled in the acid mines. And, since our week has been BONKERS, we kind of needed the breathing room that comes from throwing together a list of previously printed material (boom—transparency). We still think these are worth reading and a great way to remember that you should kill ‘em with kindness when you’re eating out at restaurants. Anyway, these have maybe been slightly edited because of the passage of time, but the essence of each tale is true. And remember, these accounts are anonymous to protect the server/bartender/worker in question. Behold!
We Don’t Know You!
"Lots of people came in claiming to be 'regulars.' I'd been there [15 months or so], and most of these [people] have arrived once, maybe twice. I had a table of three baby boomers claiming to be just that. Old, ugly people—I would've remembered them. They arrived sometime between 8:05 and 8:10 pm; they had their drinks by 8:20 pm. I'm being specific with time because by 8:32, I saw them making obscene gestures at the kitchen, and when they saw me, they literally started booing and hissing. I asked what was wrong and they said I was the worst waiter they ever had, and it was absurd to be waiting a half hour for their food. I politely told them that they weren't even at their table for a half hour, and that the ticket for their food had been in for seven minutes. I brought their food out within another three minutes and they insisted it was cold. Not the case, as I witnessed the kitchen pull their fish and chips out of the fryer, onto the plate, into my hands. In the end I had to comp one of their fish and chips and all their drinks and they left me a $2 tip on $30. The line cook threatened to quit later and said they were lucky he didn't stab them with a kitchen knife."
That’s Not the Protocol!
"Probably the most annoying in recent memory was the lady who called in an order, which she said had to be ready at 1 pm as she had an appointment (dentist, I think). I put it in the kitchen and at 12:55 on the dot it was ready. This old bat comes in at 1:30 and comes to the host section where I'm standing with her takeout order. She positively goggles at me and shouts, 'I wanted to eat it here!' In my typical I-am-a-nice-guy-who-will-gladly-take-your-shit manner, I apologize and show her to a table. She angrily orders a glass of wine while I take all of the food I had packaged out and plate it for her. It was, in all honesty, five minutes (if that) later when she waves me down in that violent manner people so love to beckon their servers with and informs me she needs her meal to go. 'I'm late for my appointment!' she screams at me. Then she tried to get me to remove or discount her wine because she didn't drink it all."
Chemistry
"I once had a woman try to convince me she was allergic to ice. I was so confused and I said, 'You know ice is water, right?' She was insulted by my response and stormed out."
The following items are from during the pandemic lockdowns, but highlights how people treat foodservice workers badly in both bad and good times
The Ol’ Switcheroo
"Got a job delivering food—I know, I know, people don't like the apps, I just needed the money—and people would tip one thing while ordering and then go in and change it afterwards. They'd sometimes leave a bad review, too, but I was really just knocking and then leaving the food on their porch. How can I do that badly?”
You Can’t Fight City Hall
"I didn't make the alcohol laws, I also wish I could take beers to-go, but we can't, so please don't yell at me."
The following items are just from our own personal history in restaurants
- Our first-ever restaurant job was in the friggin’ 1900s, and it was a short-lived fine dining joint in downtown Santa Fe. Nights were kind of popular for a time, which meant that rezzies were in short supply, and that seemed to baffle a lot of diners who thought because the place was new they didn’t need reservations. One night, we tell a guy he’ll have to wait 15 minutes, and he literally shoved us, full force, against a wall. Luckily, our manager threw his party out and we never saw that dude again.
- One time we had a plate that had just come out of the oven, and in the midst of our, “it’s a hot-ass plate!” spiel, this guy grabbed it from our oven-mitted hands and burned himself quite badly. He started to spout something about a lawsuit, but luckily a woman at the table practically shouted, “you snatched it outta their hands!” Crisis averted. For us. He probably had a super not-fun time healing that burn.
- We once worked in a popular New Mexican joint (won’t name it) and had a lady eat her entire meal, then call us over and start crying about how it was too spicy. Like, she literally cried and demanded to not pay. Yeah, right.
The following items are from local bartenders
They Don’t Work for You
"It's pretty rare, all things considered, but every now and then you'll have to cut someone off. This never goes well. I've had everything from screaming patrons, negative Yelp reviews and, once, a lady tried to take a swing at me. They never seem to realize that, not only am I covering my own ass, I don't want them to go out and hurt someone or themselves. Remember that we have to take classes to be licensed to serve alcohol, and we also can wind up paying huge fines if we don't take it seriously."
Your Feet Belong on the Ground
"A time I particularly enjoyed was [during] Mardi Gras. A lovely woman decided that it would be a real hoot to hop up on the bar and dance Coyote Ugly-style. I repeatedly asked her to get down, and my co-bartender was screaming 'GET DOWN!' at her from behind me. But she refused to comply. I took the soda gun, put my finger over the nozzle so as to increase the pressure, and shot club soda straight up her sequined mini-skirt. Guess who got down with a quickness?"
Father of the Year
"I work in a restaurant, but we have a bar, too, and I remember this one guy who tried to order a margarita for his clearly underage daughter. But I figure that I'll just ask for an ID, and when she doesn't have it, that'll be the end of it. So the dad says something like, 'It's OK, I'm her dad!' as if that means it's cool for me to break the law. Well, it's not OK. I explained I could get fired, pay fines, go to jail, so they begrudgingly agreed to let it go. The dad still ordered a margarita for himself, and a few minutes later I notice he's sneaking sips to the daughter, so I go to take it away from the table. And somehow I'm the jerk. At first he laughed it off like it was nothing, but when I told him I was serious and I couldn't leave the drink … Well, I've never seen someone so full of rage over what was obviously their own fault, and I actually fear for that girl going through life with a dad like that. It shouldn't be that difficult—if someone is underage, they aren't drinking."
Fin
The moral of the story is, you’re almost always wrong when you go out to eat. That’s not a joke, we promise you that you’re wrong. Naw, just kidding, it is a joke. And restaurants are never above criticism. That said, y’all should just try to be nice to those workers all the time.
Also? If you work in a restaurant or bar or both and want to share horror stories anonymously, please do! We’ll share them from time to time.
Also
Jambo Café founder/chef Ahmed Obo (a mainstay in our Best of Santa Fe issue each year) has a new book on the horizon, and it sounds like a pretty sweet tome. Obo’s Chef Ahmed’s Soups and Stews cookbook is slated for release with a launch party at Jambo Café at 4 pm on Monday, Sept. 8. We’re telling you now in late-ish August because we assume a lot of locals will want to go. Obo will be there signing copies and offering up soups to mark the occasion.
If you’re looking for a foodservice job, we hear Valentina’s Dos is hiring. If’n you didn’t know, V2 is the second location for the Casa Solana eatery known as Valentina’s, and you’ll find said second location at 730 St. Michael’s Drive. From the online ad we saw, we know they’re looking for experienced servers. We’re looking for—ward to having fajitas over there soon.
Oh, dang, what’s up, Enchanted Grazing Co.? We think your charcuterie boards are char-cute, and we like the part where you’re super-duper New Mexican and the photos on your website are gorgeous. Does everyone else know about this company? We just heard about them. They’ll make some pretty beautiful boards for your thing, just so you know. If you’ve got a thing, they’ve got a board. And y’all can use that slogan for free.
File this one under we’ve lived here for freaking ever and never knew about this until today, but were you aware Albuquerque has a tomato festival? Aptly dubbed the Albuquerque Tomato Fiesta, the event at the Albuquerque Garden Center comes to us from New Mexico University and the Albuquerque Area Extension Master Gardeners. As you might expect, they’ll be celebrating the tomato harvest with a tasting, music, vendors and more on Sunday, Aug. 24. Kids under 12 are free, everyone else pays $5—and you can learn more on the website.
Lastly in local food stuff this week, we couldn’t help but notice the new sign for an incoming DeVargas Center restaurant called Salad Fe where once stood Pizza Etc. (miss you, PETC!!!!). We don’t think pun names bode well for the long-term existence of restaurants, and we’re actually quite annoyed about the name “Salad Fe,” because it’s barely even clever. Having said that, we’ll eat there when it opens because we adore a good salad and we’ll keep our fingers crossed that this’ll be that. Sometimes you think it’s like this, but really it’s like this, y’know? And if you don’t know, think about your life, man. Anyway, we don’t have any info on when it’s opening beyond soon, and if y’all see it’s open, you should let us know. Also, the restaurant has a Facebook page.
In our experience, you can totally win friends with salad.
More Tidbits
We haven’t eaten at McDonald’s in years, but if we were going to do that, it would almost surely be for the sausage McMuffin. That’s precisely why we’re so vexed by McD’s and Wendy’s reporting recently that their breakfast sales are down. According to CBS News, that drop has wider economic implications than you might think. Read about them here.
Foodtank-dot-com very kindly reminded the internet about the PBS series Human Footprint the other day, specifically because a new episode (which might be less new by the time you read this) delves into the impacts of grocery stores on humanity. Spoiler alert? Despite the promise of food stores being for the benefit of humans, they’re kind of perfect little microcosms of the flawed American food systems. Interesting. Sad, of course, and so obvious once you think about it for a sec, but still interesting.
Amazon is now in the perishables delivery game, which seems kind of scary at first blush but then we think about home-bound people and cautiously are like, “maybe we need this;” but then we’re also like, “fuck Amazon.” According to the succinctly named Food Business News-dot-net, stuff behemoth Amazon will now offer same-day delivery of perishables in something like 1,000 US cities. You don’t have to looking for Santa Fe just yet, because we’re not up in there. We tend to catch up to things 12 years later. Even if it were here, though, we’d urge people who are able to try not to use it.
And All the Rest
Another week with only a couple letters, most notably from the people who object to our carefully curated instances of the word “fuck.” Can we just ask how it feels to become your parents admonishing you over The Beatles’ haircuts? If you can stop clutching your pearls long enough to get real, we’ll still be here writing alllllll cool. Oh, and we actually don’t think we would’ve needed your writing class, one guy who said we’d have been kicked out of your writing class. We’ve been doing this professionally for YEARS. Further, language and writing changes and evolves, thank goodness. If you’d prefer to read cuneiform chiseled into a stone tablet, mayhap Le Fork is not for you?
Oh, and before we forget—the regular guy went to check out Burrito Company de Noche, the new nighttime project from former Mucho Gusto chef Alex Castro. Was it good? Read it on or after Aug. 20 to find out.
Never guilty,
The Fork
