Y’know, despite the many cereal commercials of the 1900s telling us that we’d be a better balanced person if we just ate cereal (plus toast, bacon, some eggs, a thing of greens and a cup of black coffee), we weren’t really a breakfast fan for much of our lives. In high school, Maman Fourchette even had to force us to consume Carnation Instant Breakfast for a bit of morning pep, though the truth has always been that eating shortly after we wake makes us feel nauseated. As an adult, however, we’ve become super-strong proponents of oatmeal which, despite its barf-like texture and viscosity, is a pretty great way to start the day (assuming you’ve got a scoop of coconut-based dairy-free whipped topping to throw on there; shout-out to Canyon Road eatery The Teahouse for giving us that idea some years ago). As adults, La Forkette has been known to make a thing of oatmeal in the mornings and leave us some (she goes to work waaaaaaaaay earlier than us, because she’s a person and we’re a ridiculous idiot), and it’s pretty nice to get up and realize there’s some oats on the stove waiting for some oat milk and that whipped topping we were talking about before. All the same, we like to know a thing or two about the foods we eat, which is not about being politically responsible or healthy, but just because we’re curious and find it strange that we’re all out here like, “Yo, have you had a steamy and semi-soft bowl of liquid-engorged grains today?” That’s to say, we’ve done some digging on oatmeal, and we have some cool new info we’d like to share now. As always, it’s in no way jokey at all in any way even a little bit at all.
It started as animal feed, baby. Though we’re quick to point out that we still think high-fructose corn syrup is a psy-op by the man to keep us overstuffed and docile (we’re only kidding a little bit about that), we generally are even more weirded out by the existence of oatmeal. Our research has suggested that humans have been eating some version of the stuff for tens of thousands of years, but that we can trace the stuff back to its existence as animal feed—which is almost always about fattening calves and such (#FattedCalf). And though we’ll have to wait for Emmet Brown to roll up with his ill-gotten Libyan nuclear material before we can go back and ask, we have to assume that the reason humans started ingesting them oats ’n’ such is because of desperation. Think about it: If someone was like, “throw this dry-ass oat stuff in a boiling pot, then eat it,” you’d probably wig out over the concept unless you already knew it was pretty good to eat for some morning carbs/energy. Someone had to be like, “Well, Melissa, if we don’t ry to eat these grains, we shan’t make it beyond the winter to the bountiful season.” Again, this is conjecture, we can’t know.
There are way too many kinds of oatmeal. The term is a catch-all for grainy cereal stuff, we get that, but someplace between the steel-cut, old-fashioned, Irish-style, Scottish-style, instant-style and regular-style (whatever that means), one has to wonder how they’ll ever get to a place where it all makes sense. Our two cents? Steel-cut seem kind of gritty no matter how much you boil ‘em, and we’ll be dead in the ground before we recognize Scottish oat supremacy. Or before we use the term “groats” without gagging a little. Our brand is called Coach’s, which is a cracked oat variety that cooks so quickly and is available at Costco (and probably other places, but that’s just where we get it). The story on the bag is like, “Once there was a coach who liked oats, but that coach didn’t like waiting around for them to cook, so, like, here’s these.” Now picture that coach. Did you see a man? Wow. Misogyny. Shame on you. As a legal precaution, we’re going to point out that the bag story we just shared is not what the bag literally says. Bags can’t say anything, actually. Hahaha! Why are we like this? Don’t answer that.
Making oatmeal in milk is too much. That’s a personal preference, and we get that some people prefer it that way, but if you’re still drinking dairy milk at this point in time, that’s wild. As a side note, our dad pronounces it “melk,” which we think might be regional, but is still weird. Seriously, though, water will do you with oatmeal, and then you won’t feel all bogged down by dairy, probably.
Like we said, humans eating oats dates back a bazillion years. In fact, there’s evidence that both the Greeks and the Romans at least knew it was edible, even if they weren’t eating the stuff as often as their goats and such were going to town on oats. The Romans brought the oats to England at some point, which is likely how we got it over here in America (aka Britain 2.0), but it wasn’t until 1900-something that we were eating it for brekkie on the reg. #BrekkieOnTheReg
Overnight oats (that thing where you put oats in the fridge overnight, which is aptly named) got all popular later on, like, in the early part of the 21st century. These were apparently inspired by the Swiss and their love of muesli. Our take is that they always come out a tad too soggy, but they’re fine in a pinch or if you have to get up early. Throw some nuts in there? Some apple slices? A little cinnamon? Chia seeds? We’re down and all, but you can do that stuff to regular ol’ oats done the normal way.
Lastly but certainly not leastly, the FDA says that regularly eating oats as part of an overall diet can totally reduce the risk of heart disease. You can’t just boil up a cup of oats and be free of the risk of heart disease, of course, but it’s one of the things you can do to better your situation. That’s likely why you see all that good-for-your-heart crap on oat-heavy cereal boxes like Cheerios. We don’t have any science on whether the benefits suffer when you pair your oats with a nice dairy-free/coconut-based whipped topping, but we have to do what feels good sometimes, right? Are we not men? We are DEVO.
Nothing to do with food, but still important.
Also
- We don’t know how we missed it, but downtown Italian joint Pranzo Italian Grill handed out free pizza on Tuesday, Oct. 21 from noon-2 pm, and that’s pretty cool. We didn’t know if anyone over here had written about Pranzo lately, but it turns out they did a couple years ago. That review highlighted a mushroom/arugula pizza as a real winner, and now we want it and we’re sad we missed the pizza window. Point it, if you’re on social medias, you might follow Pranzo in case chef/owner Steve Lemon does that again. If you’re not, maybe just go over there and exchange money for pizza?
- A reader reached out to ask us, “Hey Fork, how much longer with the Santa Fe Farmers’ Market host its Tuesday markets this year?” And we were like, “Hang on a sec.” And then we went and found out: Dec. 23. After that, we hit Christmas and whatever other terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days, so please jot that down somewhere and attend if you like your markets Tuesday-style.
- We were out in Las Vegas, New Mexico, the other day looking for a sack of green chile because we waited to long to get some here in Santa Fe, and we happened upon a grocery store called Semilla Natural Foods. Not only were the people inside super-helpful, they had a cool sign on the door offering free apples to ICE agents so long as they took their masks off. We admit we read the sign for two seconds and assumed they loved ICE, but La Forkette pointed it out they were sticking it to those jerks, so it was actually pretty cool. Three things about that: Fuck ICE, first off. Secondly, we’d recommend offering free tomatoes rather than apples as that’s objectively funnier. Thirdishly, if you’re gonna have a sign dunking on a shitty entity, maybe make it instantly discernible that you’re doing the dunking. OK, as a bonus thing, though, fuck ICE. Seriously. And feel good about shopping at Semilla.
- We know this isn’t exactly new information, but we meant to tell everyone a bit ago about the Elvira Autumnal Gin from Santa Fe’s As Above So Below Distillery. Ummmm, if Elvira is part of something, we’re gon’sta want to check that out. We don’t even really drink anymore and we want to try it. Has anyone out there had it? Did you like it? We like AASB, particularly since master distiller/owner Caley Shoemaker is basically just a badass who loves what she does and does it well and also it’s cool to hang out there.
- We hear that Santacafé/Coyote Café/Coyote Café Rooftop Cantina Executive Pastry Chef Rebecca Freeman (whom SFR profiled at the beginning of the year as she was taking over the sweet spots at the aforementioned restaurants) has totally overhauled the dessert menus at all three Quinn Stephenson-owned locales. We’re nervous to even mention the new ones as it seems Freeman is fully full-on in her creative phase, so who knows how long they’ll last? Point blank? She’s doing the most innovative dessert stuff in the city right now, so be aware and get you some.
We will find any excuse to share this banger.
More Tidbits
Oh cool, a new report from Consumer Reports says that of the 23 protein supplements it tested, many contain more lead in a single serving than you’re supposed to ingest (should you ingest any lead?!). Look, we’re always out there ripping sets and bulking up and shredding the gnar and getting swole with gains, so we know how it goes—every big-bicep chump online tells you that you need a gazillion grams of protein, and they only way to do that is them powders and such. OK, word, but Consumer Reports says metal contamination is common among protein products, so what’s someone to do? Maybe it’s to ditch the absurd notions of what beauty is and enjoying yourself, we don’t know. We just know we’d read this CR thing before we kept doing protein supplements.
In sentences that we had to think long and hard about how to write news, researchers from San Diego State University (go Fighting Fish Tacos, which we assume is the mascot!) were published in the British Journal of Nutrition with a cool little bit of info on warm drinks. Turns out they’re good for anxiety and also for feeling less gassy and insomnia. Of course it’s more complicated than just those things, but we knew drinking 50 coffees a day was paying off somehow, and not just because we can see through time now. Please note that drinking cold drinks during warm times has kind of strange repercussions, including feeling more on edge. Beat it, ice water!!!
Speaking of merry olde England, London-based firm Upper Cut Concepts has released its list of the World’s 25 Best Burgers, and while we think it’s downright absurd to claim you know burgers best when that title clearly belongs to us, The Fork, we’re just here to let you know that Valencia, Spain’s Hundred Burgers is the winner. We’ve never had it, but we can point you to the full list of winners from the thing you’ve never heard of—it’s right here. Of course, it’s strange that only New York, Los Angeles and Chicago made the list of American spots, but then we have to assume these idiots have never tasted a green chile cheeseburger in their lives, so how could they know it’s literally the number one perfect dish of all time? Pshshsshst. England. We were right to leave you.
In Summation
We’ve been thinking a lot about how to eat as we age, because it turns out we can no longer just fully demolish full pizzas on our own. This has indeed meant an uptick in protein, because you just feel more full that way with fewer cals and grease and such—but we’re getting it from sources like pea greens and high quality meats. We get that a lot of folks want to do everything as quickly and low-effort as possible, but as we read that thing about protein supplements and considered how many times we tried to incorporate it into a sweet treat or our morning oatmeal only to feel like something wasn’t right, we remembered that old thing about how you can do it well or fast, but not both. We’re just saying that a little research goes a long way, but you should always ask a pro food person if you just don’t know whether you should ingest powders with lead. We’re only a pro writer, but we can tell you that you shouldn’t eat lead, and you’ll be OK if you don’t cram protein this and/or protein that into every freaking dish you ever eat. As our brother would say, “Get real, vitamin-breath!”
