Just recently we found ourselves at lunch in a local restaurant and overhearing an exchange between a diner and a server. The diner was unhappy about something or other, and rather than simply mentioning their distress and moving forward with the server to a palace of mutual goodness, this über-weirdo instead ratcheted up the tone to a bazillion megatons of jerkness with a side of crocodile tears to drive their displeasure home. It was gross and another reminder about how glad we are to have not worked in restaurants in some time. Still, we felt for the server who literally wanted nothing more but to serve the people to the best of their ability while maybe getting a decent tip out of the matter. Frankly, we can’t believe we need to talk about this again, but with the internet turning people into this combination of whiner who also fears just talking to people, we wanted to drop a refresher on the ways in which you should conduct yourself when you eat at restaurants. Memorize these and be cool, because straight-up the customer is not always right and some of you need to get real.
Side note? We understand that subpar experiences can be frustrating and that when you’re spending your money, you kind of expect a certain level of satisfaction. Even so, do you really want to go down in history as a crybaby because a dish you ordered wasn’t the unattainable fantasy you decided it should be in your head? We know we don’t. So let’s get into it.
You Have to Tip!
This comes first, and it’s something you should know now and forever—you have to tip. You just do. And you have to tip 20%. Don’t go down from that. Whatever lesson you think you’re teaching someone; whatever you read someplace else; whatever feelings you have about blah fucking blah blah blah? They don’t matter. It’s not the server’s fault that the restaurant industry is weird and most places couldn't exist if they had to pay them what they’re worth. We didn’t create this social construct, we just live in it, and we’d rather throw in that extra $2 than ruin someone’s whole night because they didn’t sprint to our table with ice tea quickly enough. God!
Be Polite!
Why on Earth do we have to keep reminding people about this? We’re living in a society! When a server is like, “Hey, there, how’s it going?” and you immediately and sternly say, “Ice water. No lemon.” all cold and shit, you’re basically begging them to pay you less attention. This kind of goes in with the tipping thing, too. Seasoned servers start to gain a sense for who’s going to tip them well, and if you’re a butt during every mandatory dining out exchange, they’re not gonna serve you well because they know your deal. Just do the basic level of politeness: “I’m going OK, how’re you?” is enough!
Yes, You Can Complain!
Your server isn’t going to be mad that your dish came out wrong or wasn’t what you envisioned. Hell, they’re probably not going to be mad if you take two bites and regret it and then wave them down to explain the situation. Look we don’t speak for every restaurant, but we worked in many, and this was never a problem in those businesses. What is a problem is when you eat the whole freaking meal and then decide you had a problem with it. They can’t help you at that point. These people want you to enjoy everything (yes, for the tip, dammit!) and they live and die based on your whims. Just talk to them! IT WILL BE OK!
Don’t Linger!
Unless you’re ordering more drinks or coffee or desserts, eat your meal and leave! Nobody cares if you’re talking about that New Yorker piece about the shape of modern American theater or if you’re catching up with your dumb friends who just adopted the most amazing dog whom they refer to as their child—LEAVE! We know this is now starting to sound like an endless barrage of information about how servers are trying to get the most tips they can, and that’s because it is—when you take up a table that could have been seated three times over so you can slowly sip your little drink? Gross. Move on. In fine dining establishments, this can vary, but only if you’re going to tip well.
Do Not Tell Anyone You Know the Owner!
Nobody cares, nerds. If you’re so close, too, you should feel good about paying full price for the meal. In fact, you should feel good about doing whatever you need to do to best support your best bud’s biz, including tipping huge and being polite and mentioning your dissatisfaction when they can do something about it and then tipping huge before not lingering and then making sure you tipped huge.
Do Not Show Up 15 Minutes Before Close
If they close at 9 and you show up at 8:45, you suck. If it’s 8:30 and you know you can be quick, that’s one thing. There are special circumstances, of course. Like, is the place still hopping? We’ll give it a maybe, and you should say exactly this at the house stand without changing a single word: “Hello, we’d like to eat here, but we know you’re closing soon and the last thing we want is to make people stay at work all night. You can tell me honestly whether it’s cool for us to come in.” Then they’ll tell you it is, but you have to be like, “No, seriously, though—are you sure? We’ll tip well, but we also know that many of these servers work more than one job and we don’t want to keep them from going home because we’re not monsters.”
Make Sure You Tipped!
We’re saying this again. And we’re begging you to tip. Just do it. Especially if you frequent the place. They’ll remember you. Everyone will be happier. It’s a long game, baby.
It’s true. We are living in a society.
Also
- We’ve been known to peruse the Santa Fe Foodies Facebook group as perhaps we have mentioned here before, and because of that we wanted to let you know that the folks behind soon-to-open Salad Fe (a salad joint going into the old Pizza Etc. spot at DeVargas Center) have been conducting informal polls about desserts through the group. Thus far, we’ve seen options like choco truffles and rice pudding popping up, and since we kind of love rice pudding and hardly ever find the good stuff out in the world, we’re hoping everyone will go mention that when they can. Thanks!
- We’ve mentioned it, but it bears repeating because everyone in town is losing their freaking minds for this Leo’s restaurant down there on Hickox Street. Leo’s serves Thai and Malay food, though it annoyingly doesn’t do reservations because…actually, there’s not a great reason for that (even if they called us to be like, “A reservation killed my father!” we’d still be like, “Let people eat your food without having to wait forever!). We assume the hubbub will die down at some point, and we’ll go eat there after they’ve had some time to settle in. You wanna know more? Visit the website.
- We have sampled the blue corn sourdough pizza from Whoo’s Donuts, and we have thoughts on the matter. No, this is not a full-ass/deep-dive review, but it is a drive-by thought: Delicious. So good. Pepperoni and green chile? The best. A little too doughy. One slice was enough. More than enough. We will go back. Oh, did not everyone know our local donut shop does pizza? Well, they do and it’s good even if a little too doughy.
- Speaking of donuts, Donut Vision in Santa Fe is still making it hard for us to not eat donuts all the time. It’s a truck, it slaps, everyone loves it. Dang, we’re saying “everyone” a lot this week, but we just mean that anyone we know who has been to Donut Vision has loved their donuts. The truck is cute as hell, too, and you’ll find it at 781 W Alameda Street along with some other dining options.
- Lastly in local stuff this week, here’s your reminder that the annual Santa Fe Wine & Chile Fiesta is popping off Sept. 24-28. That’s soon, so if you want tickets to the wine and the chile and the fiesta, you should pop by the fest website. The list of participating vineyards and vintners and wine-lovin’ fools is insane, too (see it here), as is the lineup of chefs and restaurants slated to attend (see that here).
We were looking for something else entirely, but this seems to be about donuts, so that’ll do.
More Tidbits
Oh, good—researchers have found that the microplastics in literally most things can find their way into our arteries. A new study from the New England Journal of Medicine has more details, and you’ll just have to go read it for more info, because, grrrrrl, we don’t even have the energy to deal with that right now.
The New York Times released its annual list of America’s best restaurants, and while there are a ton of great places in that list, New Mexico didn’t find its way on there even once. Our take? Sorry, but it seems more places, at least in Santa Fe, are kind of like, “here’s a steak, here’s grilled salmon, the end,” so we kind of get it. Before you yell at us, note, please, that not every place does only those things we just said, but that we’re sure other cities just plain had more exciting options this year.
Lastly in not-just-local news, HuffPost has a piece that we’d personally file under “duh,” that is all about how much soda you can drink safely. Point blank, that stuff’s awful for you, so get real. But also there’s actual information in that piece beyond our stance, which is based in how soda melted our teeth and made us all bloaty and gross before we quit drinking it.
In Summation
We’ve been trying to cool it with sweets lately, but we wanted to let you know about this new snack we love from the company Lesser Evil. They’re called Space Balls and the rocket ranch flavor is to die for. You should try them. Get ‘em at Whole Foods for sure and maybe at a slightly less evil store, too, though we’ve yet to confirm that.
Etiquette forever,
The Fork
